Happy Birthday, Dearest Appa

Good afternoon! Today is Appa's birthday, and thought of writing since it's been a while blogging! (including few pictures of Gandhi bazar which mattered most)  Life has changed so much, I became a empty nester, started to wonder about relationships, how it has evolved over the years. I became more internal, somewhere felt lonely, alone, and then came along the wedding invitation of the cousin ! Without thinking much deep into it, I booked the tickets and went to Bangalore! Mind wasn't planing anything in particular, wasn't looking anything in particular, just went along with the flow or, like how you stand in a very crowded place and you are pushed forward but you are not voluntarily moving...thats how I felt! Somewhere I was very still!

As I went alone...it felt weird and again alone somewhere. I unknowingly went to Gandhi Bazar, so many times, now I can say that! Because now I feel, since I am back from Bangalore, and its more than a month, I think, that as soon as I stepped out, I invariably told the driver, "Gandhi bazar please", when he asked where do you want go!

I wandered sometimes alone (couple of times with brother and SIL), in those roads, where I was born, brought up, went to school, college, worked and got married, laughed, cried, learnt so much, shaped into the person I am now, made memories, and so much more, my roots, my identity most of all, in the same road, though the house is not there anymore! But some stores and some people, some faces are still the same!

The paan selling lady, who is been there ever since, I can remember, I just went and stood in front of her....she has become old, and those eyes behind the glasses, became big and her smile even more bigger, seeing me and asked "when did you come and how are you"! I became still, I felt like crying out loud like a child, "Appaaa, Ammaaaa"! She recognized me even after these many years, not seeing me often, she recognized me as "Saamiyore magalu- with respect its referred/meaning/translation is master or guru's daughter"! 

My mind was totally empty, still for that moment! I just felt, my identity is same, nothing has changed, I am Appa's daughter still and people still recognizes me with that identity! Felt relieved, happy, and somewhere did not feel so much alone after hearing that.

I had coffee every time I visited Gandhi bazar, and rave idli with that. I stood alone and asked stranger to take my picture....imagining Appa on my side, sipping the hottest, strongest coffee, totally involved, totally enjoying as though he may not have again or it was the first time he is having, though it would be like a 4-5th cup of the day! 

I saw him in those streets, busily walking, either buying flowers, fruits, vegetable in-between stopping for a quick coffee sipping....! I just felt on those roads, he must have walked a zillion times, I just felt he was there...right there...smiling at me and saying "Everything is going to be alright"! I missed him so much, yet felt safe, warmth, knowing that he would have stood there exactly in the same spot and had coffee....! 

I felt somehow, this time of all the other times, that I connected with my roots, with my Appa, Amma more than any other times! This time also made me feel more, or rather I can say, I felt more of both Appa and Amma's absences in my life, I felt more lonely, actually felt I don't have parents, after 9/10 long years, first time I felt empty! 

But then I also felt, I got connected with all other family who love me so very much, who still identifies me as "Appa/Amma's daughter", I got lot of love in this visit! It must be Appa's, Amma's blessings, or was so proud to say that, Appa and Amma are still loved, remembered, respected so much even by extended family, when I met them all in the wedding. 

I felt lonely and alone also because, my daughters who were always there when I visited Bangalore, this time was not there, that also made me feel alone, lonely, also gave me the feeling of I don't have parents anymore either! But I did bonded well with cousins, aunties, uncles, extended family whom I had not seen in years! What would Appa say, if I had said if feel lonely...I was thinking the whole time...he would say something very philosophical or also felt guilty and wondered, how he felt when I left after marriage so far...as he was not a man of many words or expressions...he must have felt the same....! Sorry Appa....

Appa I miss you so much, your words, your deep voice, your wisdom, your comforting words and thoughts, your presence, but I respect, cherish, admire, value, and love you every single moment. Cheers to you on your birthday, love you so very much.