Appa, Coffee and Me

Good afternoon! Today is Appa's birthday, and thought of writing since it's been a while blogging! (including few pictures of Gandhi bazar which mattered most)  Life has changed so much, I became a empty nester, started to wonder about relationships, how it has evolved over the years. I became more internal, somewhere felt lonely, alone, and then came along the wedding invitation of the cousin ! Without thinking much deep into it, I booked the tickets and went to Bangalore! Mind wasn't planing anything in particular, wasn't looking anything in particular, just went along with the flow or, like how you stand in a very crowded place and you are pushed forward but you are not voluntarily moving...thats how I felt! Somewhere I was very still! As I went alone...it felt weird and again alone somewhere. I unknowingly went to Gandhi Bazar, so many times, now I can say that! Because now I feel, since I am back from Bangalore, and its more than a month, I think, that as soon ...

 Good morning! It's again June 2nd, and its 8 years since Appa passed away. Year by year is passing away but the pain, the grief, the empty feeling, the lonely feeling, has not reduced but has actually deepened, sinked and constant!  Remembering him has become just a part of me, there is not like a single moment I would not have thought of him or his words or some moment I would have connected with him, or watching tv, I see someone or some scene, or some song or a dialogue, it would automatically connect with him. I just wonder how amazing is brain, it connects so easily and aptly (at least for me it sounds right) every time.  So I do not have to make an effort to remember him at all. So June 2nd he left 8 years ago, but I don't have to wait for June 2nd to remember him! He is always there, somewhere, in my head.  Just two days back I was watching a show with girls and in that show, a brother and sister, would be talking about their Dad's perspective and one arguing...

  June 2nd marks 7 years of Appa leaving me/us(my brother and myself) ! I still remember the phone call...it was evening 5.30-6 PM, there and here it was 8.30 AM ! He was still there breathing...when I got the call....I imagined him in the bedroom where he was sleeping...I tried to say Appaaaa...did he hear, did I cross in his mind, before he left, did he felt she did not come and I could not see her before leaving....! And then suddenly I heard my niece crying loud.....I knew he left ! It was only 10 months 22 days since Amma left me/us! For the world, he/they were old, they had seen everything, kids education/marriage/grand kids/progress....! But for me, I just felt like a 6 year old kid left all alone on the unknown street, suddenly, unknown place, unknown people, big wide world, do not know what to do !! I cried tooo...but mind had become silent, total silence in my head! What did just happened, I lost both the parents, in less than a year! Really, seriously...

It's been exactly one year, I wrote a blog. It's January, Appa's birth month, 22nd is his birthday! Well I always remember his birthday as 23rd and Amma's as 22nd. But as brother says, its 22nd Appa's birthday, may be for this year, I will consider his birthday as 22nd! (lol). Well I have the biggest reason for today, it's already 22nd January in India, but in my part of the world its still 21st January, night.  So 22nd is being celebrated all over India, the inauguration(Prana Prathishthapane) of lord Rama temple in Ayodhya after waiting for 500 years. It's a celebration day in India, I was watching on television, how people are excited, happy, celebrating like a festival, all over India. I am excited too.  So for that reason, when India is celebrating, it's happy times for me as well, it's anyway appa's birth month, weather 22nd or 23rd, it's fine, double celebrations for me!  Was wondering when I watching tv this morning, what would Appa s...

Cheers Appa, MTR coffee!  Today in my part of the world, it's January 26th, I am 3 days late in writing this blog. It was Appa's Birthday, on 23rd and he would have turned or he turned 94 years! And it will be 6 years, this June 2nd, he left us(my brother and myself). Life is moving on, days, months, years are passing by. Our kids are growing up, already getting ready to spread their wings and all the preparations are going on, to flying out of the nest, in search of their own life, shaping them, creating them....! I will miss them...! Appa never expressed how he felt....but I always knew, he missed me very much. I saw in his eyes! The eyes conveyed millions of emotions. But he never expressed anything, until my last visit. Well, we both did not know it would be the last time I will be seeing him alive, 6 years ago, the same time, in Jan when I spent one month with him, when he was unwell. Before leaving, I hold his hands and said 'I will miss you, Appa'! And for that h...

 It's been a long time, me writing a blog. Life is going on too fast, craving my attention in all directions, and am struggling, juggling, handling or try to handle each and every single thing, in the best possible way, I can. Or at least I am thinking I am handling in best possible way!  At the end of the day, when I hit the bed and try to rest my body and mind, turn my face side ways and try to find a comfortable, relaxing, resting position or part on my bed and try to ease down, try to calm down myself from all the running around, stressing myself, trying to be the best, neglecting myself so much.....! Still so many things pending to do or my head would be planing for the next day or my heart would be judging me that, this thing I could have done better or this I should not have mentioned or many times, oh I should have answered in a better way...! Mind can't just shut down or wind down and sleep, just sleep!  Among all these thoughts, all these running around, pleasin...