Stillness
Today is June 1st, in my part of the world, its already June 2nd, in many parts of the world, especially in India! The same day, last year, Appa, my Dad left for ever! He was 88 years old, to be precise he was 88 years, 4 months and 11 days! It was only 11 months, after my mom left for ever, he choose to follow her...very quickly!
I feel like, standing in a huge crowd, like a crowd in one of the Indian cities, Bangalore or Mumbai or like New York city, where actually you don't have to walk at all, people will push you, literally and you would be moving with the crowd, in all the directions, the way crowd is moving! Yeah that happens, if you don't control or take charge of yourself and make yourself a way!
I feel, the same way, mentally, things are just happening one after another but am just standing still! I still haven't digest about my mom's passing away and this news came like a thunder storm on June 2nd morning, 8.30, last year......!
I cried, I was shocked, depressed, sad, scared.....I went to India, for his final rights, participated in all the rituals and ceremonies, then came back.....life started, routine started......days, months passed by, and now for tomorrow, it's one year!
But yeah, everything moved on, but I am still! I remember holding his hands walking, no worries in head, happy, secured, safe! But that person is no more! Talking to him, listening to him, gave lot of peace, direction, and calmness! There were numerous questions I asked and he used to sit and explain giving examples from our culture or from his experience or referred quotes from sacred books or stories which had morals....! He had just abundance of knowledge, and you could always, always depend on him, he was there always, always!
That man, is no more and a year passed without talking to him.....! I have done and been doing everything, eating, sleeping, talking, socializing, everything but my mind is still, very still! Still in the moments, of talking to him, walking with him, holding his hands as a small girl, talking about philosophy, life, it's mysteries, spiritual and many more.....! (He has great collection of books, and it is surprising and awesome to know that he loved Science, especially Physics!)
Mind is still in all those moments but the reality is, it's one year of him gone far away! The weirdest part is, I am aware of the fact that he is gone far away, but still my mind is still in the moments of him being a awesome teacher, him making me laugh all the time, bringing me "pakoras",(deep fried snacks), he got me a watch when I was in 7th standard(7th grade)! And till today, am not sure whether I love watches because he got me first when I was in 7th or I really love watches!? He got me a small "transistor", a portable radio, which I could keep next to my bedside and listen to songs even at night time! And till today am not sure, I love to hear to songs, 24 * 7, because he got me the transistor or I really love listening to music!!
Words are not enough or a blog is not enough to describe how wonderful, awesome, amazing and a very very special Appa, Dad he is to me! Hopefully he is in a better place without suffering, in peace and like how he wanted to be! Am sure he is watching me and my brother always! Missing him is the not right expression, I just do not know how to describe, what I am feeling! I am revisiting all those memories and moments again and I am trying to show my gratitude, my respect, my gratefulness, my tribute and I really mean that he is a wonderful father! A big bow to him, from bottom of my heart, with love, respects and Appa you are always loved and respected and missed..................!
I feel like, standing in a huge crowd, like a crowd in one of the Indian cities, Bangalore or Mumbai or like New York city, where actually you don't have to walk at all, people will push you, literally and you would be moving with the crowd, in all the directions, the way crowd is moving! Yeah that happens, if you don't control or take charge of yourself and make yourself a way!
I feel, the same way, mentally, things are just happening one after another but am just standing still! I still haven't digest about my mom's passing away and this news came like a thunder storm on June 2nd morning, 8.30, last year......!
I cried, I was shocked, depressed, sad, scared.....I went to India, for his final rights, participated in all the rituals and ceremonies, then came back.....life started, routine started......days, months passed by, and now for tomorrow, it's one year!
But yeah, everything moved on, but I am still! I remember holding his hands walking, no worries in head, happy, secured, safe! But that person is no more! Talking to him, listening to him, gave lot of peace, direction, and calmness! There were numerous questions I asked and he used to sit and explain giving examples from our culture or from his experience or referred quotes from sacred books or stories which had morals....! He had just abundance of knowledge, and you could always, always depend on him, he was there always, always!
That man, is no more and a year passed without talking to him.....! I have done and been doing everything, eating, sleeping, talking, socializing, everything but my mind is still, very still! Still in the moments, of talking to him, walking with him, holding his hands as a small girl, talking about philosophy, life, it's mysteries, spiritual and many more.....! (He has great collection of books, and it is surprising and awesome to know that he loved Science, especially Physics!)
Mind is still in all those moments but the reality is, it's one year of him gone far away! The weirdest part is, I am aware of the fact that he is gone far away, but still my mind is still in the moments of him being a awesome teacher, him making me laugh all the time, bringing me "pakoras",(deep fried snacks), he got me a watch when I was in 7th standard(7th grade)! And till today, am not sure whether I love watches because he got me first when I was in 7th or I really love watches!? He got me a small "transistor", a portable radio, which I could keep next to my bedside and listen to songs even at night time! And till today am not sure, I love to hear to songs, 24 * 7, because he got me the transistor or I really love listening to music!!
Words are not enough or a blog is not enough to describe how wonderful, awesome, amazing and a very very special Appa, Dad he is to me! Hopefully he is in a better place without suffering, in peace and like how he wanted to be! Am sure he is watching me and my brother always! Missing him is the not right expression, I just do not know how to describe, what I am feeling! I am revisiting all those memories and moments again and I am trying to show my gratitude, my respect, my gratefulness, my tribute and I really mean that he is a wonderful father! A big bow to him, from bottom of my heart, with love, respects and Appa you are always loved and respected and missed..................!
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