5 years!

 It's been a long time, me writing a blog. Life is going on too fast, craving my attention in all directions, and am struggling, juggling, handling or try to handle each and every single thing, in the best possible way, I can. Or at least I am thinking I am handling in best possible way! 

At the end of the day, when I hit the bed and try to rest my body and mind, turn my face side ways and try to find a comfortable, relaxing, resting position or part on my bed and try to ease down, try to calm down myself from all the running around, stressing myself, trying to be the best, neglecting myself so much.....! Still so many things pending to do or my head would be planing for the next day or my heart would be judging me that, this thing I could have done better or this I should not have mentioned or many times, oh I should have answered in a better way...! Mind can't just shut down or wind down and sleep, just sleep! 

Among all these thoughts, all these running around, pleasing everyone, stressing, worrying about everything and everyone, there is one part of my head and heart, which is constantly aware, alive, observing, silent! That part is, Appa (Amma too)! There is a constant awareness of the feeling that Appa is not anymore, there is no fall back, all these juggling, struggling, I have to do! I can't validate, or ask opinion, suggestion, share or just be myself, my own self, anymore! 

There was just this one person(Amma too), with whom I could be myself, not having to be worried of anything at all, could rest my head on the lap and that strong, warm, affectionate, loving, caring, blessing hand, would have caressed my forehead gently and all my worries, my struggles, my tensions would have eased off in a second and I would have fallen into a deep sleep without any effort of tossing turning, finding the right spot in the bed...! That I cannot have in my life anymore! 

No matter how old you are or what ever you are in life, you always need that strong, warmth of the hand, touch in your life! I miss it terribly! I miss Appa each and every moment of my life...there are two person inside me....one is struggling, juggling, trying to do everything...the other one who is still Appa's daughter, who still wants to hold his hands, laugh together, walk together, sitting next to him and listening to him, his wise, profound, soothing words and of course drink coffee together, enjoying that silent moment, when sipping coffee together, as we both love and enjoy coffee so much at any time of the day! 

But today, am sitting alone, some where far, 8000 miles away from where he lived, drinking coffee alone, missing him....more today, as it's 5 years and one day, he left me(left us, my brother and myself), and in disbelief that it's already 5 years! Love him, miss him, cherish him, respect him immensely, and hoping he is watching us and he is happy!