Appa, Coffee and Me

Hello everyone, good evening, from my part of the world ! It's again June 2nd, and it's 9 years today, since Appa left, it feels so strange, 9 years is a long time. A lot of things have happened. And all of them, Appa is not a part of it, it hurts somewhere very deeply, if I come to think of it .  Because he was always a major part of everything in my life. I used to ask his suggestion, his opinions, his input, his wisdom, his knowledge about everything. His detailed explanation, he used to use a lot of quotes to refer to many things, his one major alway timer was "God helps those who help themselves "! Whenever I remember that quote, each and every time it gives me a different understanding, a different perspective and sometimes I can directly relate to a current situation I am dealing with!  His vast knowledge and wisdom is matchless. I really really miss it and I strongly, strictly follow for many things and apply to many aspects of my life. His phi...

Good afternoon! Today is Appa's birthday, and thought of writing since it's been a while blogging! (including few pictures of Gandhi bazar which mattered most)  Life has changed so much, I became a empty nester, started to wonder about relationships, how it has evolved over the years. I became more internal, somewhere felt lonely, alone, and then came along the wedding invitation of the cousin ! Without thinking much deep into it, I booked the tickets and went to Bangalore! Mind wasn't planing anything in particular, wasn't looking anything in particular, just went along with the flow or, like how you stand in a very crowded place and you are pushed forward but you are not voluntarily moving...thats how I felt! Somewhere I was very still! As I went alone...it felt weird and again alone somewhere. I unknowingly went to Gandhi Bazar, so many times, now I can say that! Because now I feel, since I am back from Bangalore, and its more than a month, I think, that as soon ...

 Good morning! It's again June 2nd, and its 8 years since Appa passed away. Year by year is passing away but the pain, the grief, the empty feeling, the lonely feeling, has not reduced but has actually deepened, sinked and constant!  Remembering him has become just a part of me, there is not like a single moment I would not have thought of him or his words or some moment I would have connected with him, or watching tv, I see someone or some scene, or some song or a dialogue, it would automatically connect with him. I just wonder how amazing is brain, it connects so easily and aptly (at least for me it sounds right) every time.  So I do not have to make an effort to remember him at all. So June 2nd he left 8 years ago, but I don't have to wait for June 2nd to remember him! He is always there, somewhere, in my head.  Just two days back I was watching a show with girls and in that show, a brother and sister, would be talking about their Dad's perspective and one arguing...

  June 2nd marks 7 years of Appa leaving me/us(my brother and myself) ! I still remember the phone call...it was evening 5.30-6 PM, there and here it was 8.30 AM ! He was still there breathing...when I got the call....I imagined him in the bedroom where he was sleeping...I tried to say Appaaaa...did he hear, did I cross in his mind, before he left, did he felt she did not come and I could not see her before leaving....! And then suddenly I heard my niece crying loud.....I knew he left ! It was only 10 months 22 days since Amma left me/us! For the world, he/they were old, they had seen everything, kids education/marriage/grand kids/progress....! But for me, I just felt like a 6 year old kid left all alone on the unknown street, suddenly, unknown place, unknown people, big wide world, do not know what to do !! I cried tooo...but mind had become silent, total silence in my head! What did just happened, I lost both the parents, in less than a year! Really, seriously...

It's been exactly one year, I wrote a blog. It's January, Appa's birth month, 22nd is his birthday! Well I always remember his birthday as 23rd and Amma's as 22nd. But as brother says, its 22nd Appa's birthday, may be for this year, I will consider his birthday as 22nd! (lol). Well I have the biggest reason for today, it's already 22nd January in India, but in my part of the world its still 21st January, night.  So 22nd is being celebrated all over India, the inauguration(Prana Prathishthapane) of lord Rama temple in Ayodhya after waiting for 500 years. It's a celebration day in India, I was watching on television, how people are excited, happy, celebrating like a festival, all over India. I am excited too.  So for that reason, when India is celebrating, it's happy times for me as well, it's anyway appa's birth month, weather 22nd or 23rd, it's fine, double celebrations for me!  Was wondering when I watching tv this morning, what would Appa s...

Cheers Appa, MTR coffee!  Today in my part of the world, it's January 26th, I am 3 days late in writing this blog. It was Appa's Birthday, on 23rd and he would have turned or he turned 94 years! And it will be 6 years, this June 2nd, he left us(my brother and myself). Life is moving on, days, months, years are passing by. Our kids are growing up, already getting ready to spread their wings and all the preparations are going on, to flying out of the nest, in search of their own life, shaping them, creating them....! I will miss them...! Appa never expressed how he felt....but I always knew, he missed me very much. I saw in his eyes! The eyes conveyed millions of emotions. But he never expressed anything, until my last visit. Well, we both did not know it would be the last time I will be seeing him alive, 6 years ago, the same time, in Jan when I spent one month with him, when he was unwell. Before leaving, I hold his hands and said 'I will miss you, Appa'! And for that h...

 It's been a long time, me writing a blog. Life is going on too fast, craving my attention in all directions, and am struggling, juggling, handling or try to handle each and every single thing, in the best possible way, I can. Or at least I am thinking I am handling in best possible way!  At the end of the day, when I hit the bed and try to rest my body and mind, turn my face side ways and try to find a comfortable, relaxing, resting position or part on my bed and try to ease down, try to calm down myself from all the running around, stressing myself, trying to be the best, neglecting myself so much.....! Still so many things pending to do or my head would be planing for the next day or my heart would be judging me that, this thing I could have done better or this I should not have mentioned or many times, oh I should have answered in a better way...! Mind can't just shut down or wind down and sleep, just sleep!  Among all these thoughts, all these running around, pleasin...

It’s been a while, I blogged.....as we are all in the middle of Pandemic, well, am assuming middle of pandemic, whether we are in the middle, end or still in the beginning, time will let us know! Actually not busy, is life, as it used to be 5 months before. Yet, some kind of anxiousness all the time, keeps you occupied and not allowing you to do things or enjoy things you would used to do, before.  So I haven’t blogged though I felt many times!  Past 48 hours there was power outage because of hurricane and strong fierce full winds and rain.  As the trees fell and electric poles fell, it disrupted the entire state’s power supply, leaving people in anger and frustration. As it’s hot summer, without Air conditioning it’s miserable. All the food in freezer and refrigerator gone bad and had to throw the food. Husband’s official work got disrupted as there is no power or internet connection.   But power came back after 48 hours, and this morning, we lost power for few mins...

Today is Appa’s ceremony! Completes, 3 years, since he passed away. He turned 91 years, this year, he was a strong man, except he fell ill, after, Amma left. He was/is a strong influence in my life. His principles and outlook about life has greatly influenced, just not to me, many people used to come and talk to him, listen to him and respected him a lot. His philosophies about life, the way he used to connect those, to real life issues, was amazing! As he used to call himself as a ‘self made man’, which is one hundred percent truth. He lost his father at the age of four, and 4 years later, Appa’s grandfather, performed, thread ceremony, so Appa became eligible to perform yearly ceremonies of his father! Appa performed his father’s(my grandfather) ceremony until the last day of his life, every year, with so much of ‘Shradde’(dedication), bhakthi(devotion) which I haven’t heard or seen, in my life time. Well, I like to explain, why am saying not heard or seen, because, Appa don’t h...

Good morning!  In my part of the world it’s morning.  It’s the same sunrise, cloudy, it’s Saturday, spring has begun, a day like this, would have started busy, filled with enthusiasm.  But it’s the same sunrise and sunset and same cloudy, rainy, still chilly mornings, flowers blooming.....but there is, a huge amount of silence, a calmness, which is filled with scare! It’s irony that, nature has not stopped even a second but life has come to a state of stillness which is not healthy, which is not right. As Appa always used to say, there are things beyond all these scientific reasonings and logic!! Which I feel at the every step of the way, now, is so true, so true.  There are things which are not under our control, nor money, power, science, intelligence can fix it, buy it or rectify the current situation! As Appa would say in Sanskrit, ‘Budhi Karmanu Saarini’!  Means A man’s mind always function under the influence of past karmas’! So under current circumst...

Happy 2020!  Kind of sad, that 2019, I did not write anything!  Well, if ask a question, how was 2019, can’t say, in one word as, ‘good, bad, sad, horrible, fantastic, successful.....’!  It’s very subjective, and it depends on, how you measure and in what terms and what are the things you taken into consideration, when you decide as good or bad or sad or successful or fantastic or  okay or not just okay! You measure, based on materialistic, personal, relationships, or over all? So many areas, may be the happiest, many may need more effort, improvements, many might be disappointing....! So  I generally don’t measure, or give lot of importance to these kind of end of the year or beginning of the year questions and also I stopped doing, the new year resolutions from last two years! The resolutions which I can’t stick to or follow up or it’s the same monotonous things, of exercise/diet/being a better person.....which actually should not be a resolution but a must t...

2018 is coming to an end, with just 9 days left.  I felt this year went very fast than previous years!  Not exactly sure, why I felt this way.  Its been few months I blogged, or sat down to write something, express myself.  Its not that I did not have time or not wanted to sit down to write or share, but, it's just sometimes, in life, it goes on.....and though you may want to, you would not have done it.  There would be no specific reason as such, but still you would not have done it...! But today, thought, as its year end, I should write up something. Sadhguru!!  Sadhguru, in sanskrit means, "True Guru"!  Guru, is a teacher, who guides in right directions, helps you in making decisions, when you are confused, lost or seeking guidance, one who removes, darkness within you, and one who can reveal the form of Formless to the vision of these eyes..! Guru is considered as important as your parents.  We can even say that, he is more important th...

It's been 3-4 months, I sat down and scribbled....! Sometimes in life....it's just goes on and you are there...where you are but life around you is moving every moment, every second, clock is ticking forward. But you feel stillness, you feel stagnant, you feel, you are not going anywhere, standstill! Nobody can ever believe this, until I express it myself, that it happened to me or I am going through that phase in life, of stillness and silence!  I mentioned nobody can believe...because, I am doing all the things, which I am supposed to do, so one cannot say or believe or feel or think that I am going through this phase of stillness and silence! I can describe this feeling as, how you feel, when your fingers are numb! You know you are touching something but you would not sense it, feel it or recognize what you are feeling or touching!  And am unable to decode why it's happening and what's the reason? I am trying hard to analyise and decode this, but to my surpris...

Today is Father's Day! Am sitting in that part of the world, where Mother's Day or Father's Day was not in practice! But today here also everybody recognizes and celebrates, and I guess, it's cause of Facebook, mainly, that everybody get to know what's happening in the rest of the world! And since it's sort of nice tradition I feel no harm in following it!? Last evening I happened to be in a coffee shop, ...since I was waiting for someone so I had a chance to look around and observe....! I love to observe people, and everything and I love to analyze or understand everything going around...! So as I was waiting with my brother, I saw couples coming to that coffee shop, of all ages, there was loud music, and on TV, they were showing how to reduce tummy fat, with some weird(I felt it that way) gadget. They have the most comfortable seats and you can sit there for any length of time, coffee, pastries,sandwiches are served to your table! Next to my table, there ...

Today is June 1st, in my part of the world, its already June 2nd, in many parts of the world, especially in India!  The same day, last year, Appa, my Dad left for ever! He was 88 years old,  to be precise he was 88 years, 4 months and 11 days! It was only 11 months, after my mom left for ever, he choose to follow her...very quickly!  I feel like, standing in a huge crowd, like a crowd in one of the Indian cities, Bangalore or Mumbai or like New York city, where actually you don't have to walk at all, people will push you,  literally and you would be moving with the crowd, in all the directions, the way crowd is moving! Yeah that happens, if you don't control or take charge of yourself and make yourself a way! I feel, the same way, mentally, things are just happening one after another but am just standing still!  I still haven't digest about my mom's passing away and this news came like a thunder storm on June 2nd morning, 8.30, last year......!  I cr...

It's been 4 months,  since I blogged....! But today, I just wanted to share or put my things out, so here I am! This morning I was in beauty parlor, I was getting my eyebrows done....!  It's a small beauty salon, with 4 chairs and couple of staff or beauticians, as you can call them.  I go there, since the people are very nice, caring and I know them very well now. I heard the door opened, the door has a small glass chimes, so whenever the door opens, you can easily know. Since I had closed my eyes, I could only hear, the chime sound and people talking...! A lady came inside, and said "She is my mom, will you do her eyebrows, I need to go and pick up my son from daycare, I will come back in half hour?" So the beautician said, "Sure, we will do"! And again I heard the door chime, and thought, the lady must have left....! Now I heard, the "mom" sitting next to my chair and immediately started talking in hindi, national language of India, wit...

Couple of weeks ago,  I was watching a movie...a Hindi movie or wait a minute, I cannot recollect, which language....these days I watch movies, and it can be Hindi/Kannada/English...so I am unable to recollect which language movie.  But I remember the phrase  in that movie which got registered in my head "God helps those who help themselves"!!!! I remembered my Appa!  That was his favorite phrase, he used to always quote that phrase!  And he had a unique way of saying that phrase, he used to say "God helps....." and stop, and look at our faces, and one of us, used to complete it "those who help themselves"! He used to stop expecting either my mom or my brother or myself, to complete the phrase! And if nobody completes, he used repeat again, "God helps..." and finally one of us used to complete!! Appa has explained the meaning of the phrase, which actually is so beautiful and very meaningful.  It emphasizes the importance of self initiative a...

2017 is coming to an end...! I felt this year just flew away....! This year was not good either...in terms of loosing Appa, suddenly, I just feel that, he left suddenly, abruptly! Its been only 6 months he left..! Last year, same time...Appa was not well and in the hospital. There is always this tradition here, that "Santa Claus" come, to every house, at this time of the year, a week before Christmas, and if you are outside, he gives you candy canes!!!! The local Fire Department guys, will come in the Fire truck, with the alarm ON, in the night time, so that people knows that they are coming! Kids especially, love to go out, way to Santa and he gives Candy canes, which becomes a special moment for them! The Fire truck passes by every house, every street, even small streets, so that nobody misses out, the glimpse of Santa and the candy canes! Kids always go out, even I go out with them, since I love to see the enthusiasm and cheer of all our neighbors and kids, and take...

Where and what should I start with, today!!  Mind is kind of blank or rather I can say, very silent today! Birthday!  Yeah it's my birthday, today!! Kind of funny, that I myself is writing about it...! Well, for a person like me, who is introvert and don't feel the need of attention, mentioning about my own birthday, seems bit silly and childish!? Anyways, I already did, lol, so like to express with you, that this birthday I felt that I am an orphan!! Orphan is a person without parents! And yes I lost both of them, in less than a year! I am an independent adult, married, with kids, a busy mom, husband travels for work, so have some extra weight of responsibilities and duties on my shoulder! But that does not mean that, I have to behave like an adult and move on....! I miss both of them terribly! I was my "Dad's Princess"! My birthday was always a special one, always filled with love, and happiness and always felt on top of the world, since he(they) used to ma...

Driving is one of the few things, which I really love! I can say, I conquered my many fears, by learning to drive! It took quite sometime, for me to drive, after coming to this country! But I did! And I really enjoy, feel accomplished and satisfied. It satisfies and makes me feel proud of myself, when I drive. But I never drove on a high way, long distance, and long distance in night or on a construction road, without shoulder nor drove, on narrow lanes, where big, huge, gigantic trucks, pass by you or in front of you or behind you, intimidating! This time, for the first time in our life, we thought we will drive, to our friend's house in Lansing and from there to Chicago and back home! Well, thats too much of distance to drive, almost 2000 miles all together! Even my husband has not done so much driving. We thought, since kids are growing up...they might enjoy and co-operate and appreciate driving. We went 10 day trip, 4 days pretty much driving! Since most of our drivin...